I've Changed My Mind

Over the past year, well, really two years, I've been under going a caterpillar like transformation.

I've become an adult. Like, a real one. Having children, buying a house, being married-the whole package. Um, reverse that order.

I've also learned that I've got incredible power and strength. I've found out that I'm an amazing person. I'm not saying this to sound arrogant or proud, I'm saying this because it's true of all of us!

I noticed during the beginning parts of being a mom, when all those sleepless nights seemed to drag on for weeks, months and even years, that I just kind of was lost.

I felt at times, I wanted to be joyful, but found myself being hateful and jealous instead.

I would see photos of other people on family vacations on Facebook, and as much as I wanted to be happy for them, I just sat there and was just so jealous!

Jealous is an evil thing. No good comes from it. I am a big runner, so let me put this analogy into a form that I can relate.

When I found myself in jealous feelings and thought, I realized that, for me, it was like running circles around a track. The two mile, or even the one mile run around the track, just kind of sucked for me. 

The two mile was always the first even at our track meets. This event always seemed to be the one no one cared about, and honestly, I always kind of felt like someone was just kind of laughing at me as I would pass them and do laps.

Just like a track, running circles in a hamster wheel gets you no where.

Jealous is a lot like that-you keep circling around and around and around. You keep seeing the same things and keep feeling the same things and it never gets better. You're in the unloved event. Sometimes it seems like it's the most pointless two miles ever. 

Every once in a while, you'd have a friend try and cheer you on for a few laps, but they never really stayed for the whole course. I can't say I blame them. It gets old.

So does feeling and thinking jealously.

I've learned on those days, when I was running around the jealousy track, that Bitterness and Hate would always show up to be my only cheerleaders. The Enemy at his finest. You know, when that's who you have cheering you on, you find that you will run yourself into the ground. When you cross the finish line and turn back to look at them, they're both just standing there clapping their hands, laughing at you. See it doesn't bother Bitterness or Hate. In fact, they loved it! They knew the longer you circled around that track and them, the worse off you'd feel when you finally stopped, and they knew exactly how you'd affect everyone else in your life because of it.

They're really sneaky. 

I was absolutely tired of letting something so small and insignificant steal my joy. Besides, there will always be someone who has a "nicer" house, "better" car, "more talent," and so on and so forth.

Besides stealing my joy about life, I noticed that I was poisoning my relationships around me. I wasn't being thankful for the amazing job my God does at providing for us. I wasn't thankful to husband for all his hard work, that he does every day.

I needed to start transforming my mind! I found Dr. Caroline Leaf's program-The 21 Day Brain Detox. Wow! I watched this video on her first, and I was just floored. She explains amazing scientific discoveries in a very simple way!

The toxic thoughts we have in our brains, like jealousy, hate and all the rest of the negative junk, affect our brains AND bodies in a negative way! But, we as amazing, God created beings, can actually change the way we think!! We are not victims about how our brain thinks, WE CONTROL OUR BRAINS! Not the other way around.

I thought, "This is exactly what I need!" I started this program two months ago and I have absolutely noticed a huge difference!

I have been able to completely kill of those thoughts of jealousy. I have noticed that I am so much happier for EVERYONE! Including myself.

I can see people that get a new home and think, "That's just so awesome for them! They totally needed it!"

Someone else gets a new job I can easily say, "I'm so thankful that God blessed them and they have something so wonderful!" And most importantly, I sincerely mean all of those things. I can say it with a heart filled smile. It isn't generic. It is genuine.

Day by day, with her program I totally started to see myself killing all these nasty things.

Again, using a running analogy, I ran cross country as well. With feelings and thoughts of Jealousy, it was like running two miles around a circle track. You never went anywhere. You just finished and felt tired and exhausted and just "Eh."

But, after starting and finishing this program, I noticed that it was a lot like a cross country race. I may have run two miles, but I got to see so many cool things along the way. 

Beautiful possibilities of countryside.

Sometimes, when I was running, I would find myself so amazed at the landscape that it was hard not to be drawn to the beauty of the countryside. Or laugh at a cow that you'd just passed by!

In cross country races you'd find yourself running up and downhills, around buildings, going here there every where! Kind of like a Dr. Seuss book. I remembered when I finished the race I had such a sense of accomplishment and it was always fun to see all the different people cheering you on! No one got bored watching you run circles, no-your friends would run to keep up with you! They'd race around the track to keep cheering you on.

When you were done, you were smiles. You knew where you started and you knew exactly how far you'd gone. 

That's what this program does. It takes you on a journey-it helps you conquer your hills and it cheers you on along the way. I makes you enjoy the journey and discover things along the way that make you realize how awesome and how much power you really have!

Additionally, you help to change the people around you. When you start to become a non-jealous person, filled with positive thoughts, you attract more people to you. People who want that feeling too!

I'm already almost done with my second toxic thought and I can't wait to just keep continuing my positive journey! Life doesn't seem to be the rat race it once was. I have an incredible sense of peace now. Joy. God has truly blessed me and my family! I have fully started to appreciate all his Glory and Wonder for our lives and those around us! What an amazing thing to feel.

If you are struggling with these same types of thoughts, try this program! I promise you, you will see the difference in your life!!!  This might be one of those things that I need to "giveaway," on my blog, because this is really what my life and journey on here has been all about.

Be the change that needs to happen. Be the change for someone else. Let's help each other!

Have you had thoughts that you've struggled with that just affect your whole life? Your relationships? Do you ever just feel tired of thinking and feeling that way? 

I'd love to hear your stories or comments. Have you heard of her program and tried it?

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We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)


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What Friends Are Really For... (and a photo of me!)

This winter has kept us very busy.

The holidays always seem to fly by once October hits! There are always a lot of fun things to do, and lots of people we love to see. There never can be enough time for that.

I LOVE my friends! Probably one of the words that many people have said to me, is that I'm loyal. (I use it to describe myself as well.) For me, becoming a friend, takes time. As I've mentioned in another post, it takes a long time to find people I call friends. This isn't a word I use casually, and neither should you. A friend, needs to be a friend. Through good times and bad. We should help carry each other's burdens and lighten the loads. Are you looking for new ones? Check out my post here to see how you can start!

Recently, a dear friend of mine, was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer sucks. There is nothing good that can be said about it. She had a quick surgery and is in the recovering stages. Thank the Lord! However, she found out that surgery wouldn't be the only part of her treatment. Like many, chemotherapy will also be a part of her recovery. (I don't particularly like that stuff either.) 

This past weekend, we spent some time together. Preparing as best as we could for her upcoming treatment. Unfortunately, what should be a fun place to go, the salon, was a dreaded place to go. She got a hair cut. A shorter, easier to manage one. It was tough. It really sucks to watch someone you love, have to go through all this. Knowing there really isn't much to can do to help. I'd take the treatment for her, if I could. 

After the hair cut, we went and looked at wigs. Someone needs to spice those shops up! It was eerily quiet and kind of depressing. I'm pretty sure, that most of the people who are going into that shop are probably looking for some temporary hair, due to cancer treatments. There is potentially a theatre major in there also looking for the right costume hair, but more probable is the first. It's a scary, sobering idea losing your hair. All of it. So, why make the store like a creepy crypt of hair? Make us feel welcome! Offer us a cushy seat-perhaps a beverage (or a shot of hard liquor!) to make our shopping more enjoyable. If you can do all this while trying on wedding and bridesmaid dresses, why can't we have some celebration about kicking some cancer ass? (Sorry about the word usage, but it's true?!) Why not make your store, a place of positivity, hope and happiness? 

I thought I'd take matters into my own hands. They do have hair for men there as well. Those were pretty interesting to look at. I've never really put much thought into man hair. But, after looking through all the blonds, red-heads and brunettes with highlights, I found a wig that I KNEW, when tried on by myself, would make my friend smile! 

Yep, almost ready!

Ta da! The transformation into a man, is complete!

When I put it on, she was laughing so hard, she couldn't even take a straight picture. Now, I think I make a rather Duck Dynasty-ish looking man, don't you?

I totally need to name my alter-ego.

But, I accomplished what I wanted to do. I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to make her laugh. I wanted to be the friend she needed me to be. I think she's sent the photo of us both off to many, many people and had several great laughs because of it, even after the day we did it. If she needs this is get through a day-then I'm so happy! I might make her a calendar of these.

By the way, this wig, because they all have names, was called The Jesus! When I saw it on the mannequin, I totally agreed with the name choice!

Let me finish this off with a toast to all our dear friends.

I just want to say, that if you're someone I call a friend, and in my life, I'm so thankful. I'm thankful for every day I've had to share and spend with you. I'm thankful for all the laughs we've had together. I'm thankful for the tears we've shed together, for we've never had to be alone. I'm thankful for the fact that you know me well enough, that when I say, "I'm just OK," you know the real meanings behind it, or you care enough to pull me aside to dig it out of me. I'm thankful for the care and concern. I'm thankful for all our fun. But, mostly, I'm just so thankful for you, that there aren't enough words to tell you! I get to spend our friendship showing you how much you mean. I love you!

Go show some love today!

"Carry each other's burdens..."

Galatians 6:2

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1 Timothy 5:8 and Doing This in Secret

December is officially here. The 25 days to Christmas is in full swing. Movies, music and more, remind us of this awesome time! I honestly don't think I can come up with another season throughout the year that makes me feel the way I do, during this time.

I love walking through our mall watching all the shoppers. Looking at all the decorations and lights. Even the kids seem to be entranced by the lights on our tree. They seem to calm down a little easier at night when we have the lights all aglow, and music playing.

What a wonderful thing is it to have family. The family you give birth too, and the family that you make. I'm not sure there is anything more wonderful than this.

Over the weekend, I was reminded of this scripture:
"But if someone doesn't provide for their own family, and especially for a member of their household, they have denied faith. They are worse than those who have no faith."
                                  1 Timothy 5:8

Last year, a friend of ours was out of work. He had been out of work for quite a few months actually. We'd invite him over for dinners as often as we could, and try to send him home with left overs when ever possible.

As the holidays approached, I felt that we needed to do something more for him. He would never ask, or really say how bad things were getting for him. But, we also knew, that if came down to making his mortgage payment or eating, he'd choose the first.

I went to the grocery store and bought groceries for him (and his pet). Easy things like a lasagna, and Hungry Man Meals. I also bought items for him to make his own easy dinners. I'm not saying that he couldn't cook, but I didn't want to get him stuff to whip up quiches either. Meals like spaghetti, chicken and rice, hamburger helper. Things like that.

I wrapped it all up in the biggest box I could find, and early one morning, before Christmas, I headed over to his house.

I didn't want him to know it had come from us, and so I did a quick drive by, to make sure that either he wasn't home, or if he was home, he wasn't really around.

He was home, but thankfully, he wasn't around. I drove just down past his house, quickly got out with my box of groceries, and dropped on his door step and ran! I mean, I RAN like I STOLE something!!!

I think we tend to feel a little bit proud, about accepting help, at times. Truth is, I didn't want him to know it was from us, because I felt that if he knew, he would be reluctant to accept it. 

Also, it is just so fun to give! There is no better feeling in the world than giving. (I really feel this way.)

A few days later, our friend was by our house and he asked me if I had given him his "gift." I denied it. He asked me again a few other times and each time I'd just smile and say no. 

He did say it was one of the nicest things he'd ever received, and that was just awesome for me to hear!

When we get the chance to really be a blessing to someone else in life, you really get a high, that you'll never be able to compare with anything else in life. It's amazing! It's thrilling! It's something that you can easily get addicted to doing!

This holiday season, look out for all your family. Maybe there is someone, who is closer than you think to you, that could really use a little blessing.

Best wishes-and may you enjoy all the awesomeness that comes along with it!

"But when you give to charity, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, So that your deeds of charity may be in secret; and your Father Who sees in secret will reward you openly."
Matthew 6:3-4


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Check out my other stories about giving!

Blessing Bags, Coffee Surprise!,

More Than Generous, Mother's Milk, Flying With Thanks, Coffee Dates, Library Fine, and Encouragement in a Balloon.

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I'm a Her: Saying Sorry (Part 2)

Yesterday, I talked about dealing with the Her's in your life. Sometimes, you just need to vent, or find someone who understands what you might be going through. But, now let's dig into the big stuff.

Today, I'm sharing about, how I WAS one.

“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”  Corrie Ten Boom

I went through a really dark time in my life. I was really mean, and spiteful. Honestly, I was probably EVERYONE's HER. I deserved it. I know I lost a lot of people during this time. But, I was definitely a person who was tough to be around.

I did get help though. I really did. I'm so thankful for the anti-depressants I started taking. I no longer have to take them, but they were blessing. They helped to change my life, back to the me, I knew.

But once you get yourself stable, you still have to deal with your mess that you leave behind.  I hurt a lot of people. I said and did a lot of things that weren't good. I felt bad. REALLY bad. 

My actual text message to a hurt friend.

I'm not sure why as parents, we really focus on making our kids say they're sorry, when we as adults, rarely seem to be able to do it. I think this is taken to be a sign of defeat. For me, it was embarrassing. But, it needed to be done.

I read a book called, The Resolution For Women. (They also have a men's version of this that I HIGHLY recommend for anyone. I actually preferred this version to the women's one.) I really enjoyed it. Though, it didn't answer all of my questions, it definitely answered enough. I knew what I had to do. 

I needed to ask for forgiveness and give closure to the people I had hurt. 

When you think back on things, most of the time, wouldn't it just have been nice to have an apology for hurt feelings? An apology to just clear the air, one that really meant, I'm sorry? I think so.

I think back to times when I was younger and in school. I was picked on, a lot! For many different reasons. Bullying seems to be a big issue today for parents and kids. I know today, that if someone would say, "Sorry for what I did," it would probably make me cry. But not of sorrow, but just for clearing the air. Starting over. Feeling that sense of release. Apologies are for healing.

I made a list. Seriously, of all the people that I had on my heart that I felt the need to apologize to. These are the people I felt I had done something to wrong them. 

One by one, I went down that list. Some people I had really lost touch and it took some searching. Others I found quickly. Some people were still friends with me today. I am very lucky.

I even did a few face to face apologies. Those were tough. Those were the ones, where my face went red, I almost couldn't make eye contact, and I was full of shame and embarrassment. I was humbled, to say the least.

A few of the "friends," I had lost, that I had apologized to, reached out. One was so shocked, she responded back and we talked for almost two hours on the phone. I'm not sure we'll ever talk again, but there isn't any regret now lingering on my behalf. She got closure as well. 

Not everyone took it well. One person ignored the apology completely. That's ok. That's for them. Not everyone can just be ok with an apology. Sometimes, it takes time. I'm ok with that, that's their right, to do with the apology as they please. Again, you can't change people, you can only change yourself.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted and treated you. You deserved better." Powerful words, huh? A few of those people were family members, who also got an, "I love you."

I have to say that I'm thankful for having a chance to do this. I take my relationships so serious now. I don't take people for granted, or I try not to at least. 

I've been at both ends of the spectrum. This side, is definitely better. I'm not saying everyone should turn into a Her to have to recover from it, but if you know you have been someones Her, you know you have steps you can take to heal the hurt.

Have you ever felt the need to apologize? Have you ever done it? What are you waiting for?

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Let all the bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Pin It

Missing The Office...Kinda

Every once in awhile, someone I know gets a fantastic job. (This is a lie, this seems to happen all the time!)

I even know a few people who have gone through quite a few jobs that I felt would have been perfect for me! I felt ENVIOUS of these people. Most of them are friends. (Looking for new ones? Here are some tips!) 

I start to question everything that I do, and who I am. I'm not perfect. I gave up trying to be. There is no such thing. I just go day to day. I think as a mom, especially one at home, that's all you can do. 

As news of these great jobs pop up, for some reason, I start to scour the newspapers and internet. I start actively "looking," obviously with no intent. A few times, I had even caught myself almost full fledging preparing my interview questions in my head.

This is HARD for me. I'm a recovering workaholic (pre-children). Most of these other women have children who they put in full-time day care. This is what they want. This works for them. 

This doesn't work for me. I still want to be home with my kids. They take priority over anything that a regular job could ever offer. I sometimes, just feel caught in the middle. Work limbo. I guess, I'm just being HONEST.

There are things I MISS about an office. I miss the interaction with adults. I miss the pressure of deadlines. I miss the successes. I miss the fun lunch dates (sans kids) where we act like women off of Sex and The City (because we're obviously successful business women...not because of the other part). I miss the collaboration, and the traveling. The meeting new people and the helping to solve problems. I loved the challenges and the dares. I miss the paycheck. I even miss my performance reviews. 

I don't think I'm crazy to say this. 

What I DON'T MISS is the office cattiness, or cliches. I don't miss the drama that gets brought in from home. I don't miss working with hateful people. I don't miss the late nights, weekends AND holidays. I don't miss accounting for every second, of every minute, of every day. I don't miss the days that are boring and dull. I don't miss being inside, all day long. I don't miss sitting for 8 hours a day. I don't miss doing someone else's job, and not getting credit or being paid for it. I don't miss the paycheck. (Money isn't everything.)

Being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I've ever had. I understand the lure of working outside the home, because of this fact. Any job, besides this one, is probably EASIER! (Especially on the days when you have two sick kids, or children who are teething!) 

Everyone tells you that this is a thankless job, and it really is. Ever googled "Benefits of a Stay at Home Mom?" Its a joke. Really. There really isn't much said that doesn't seem generic. The one I see all the time is "Your kids aren't as sick, but they get sick once they go to school." If that were a recruitment poster, or a slogan, no one would sign up.

About once a year, someone does a study that says, "If we were to pay a salary to a stay at home mom it equals $112,962 (2012)." (THIS MADE ME FEEL AWESOME FOR A WEEK!)

But, then the glory fades if you google, "Benefits of a working mother." You'll find just about any and everything you can imagine as to why it's amazing and that you SHOULD work. Lots more studies on why being a working mother is right and best for you and your children. With all those positives, who wouldn't sign up?

I wish someone could give me a performance review once in awhile to tell me, in SPECIFICS, why I AM doing a good job. 

I hear this generic phrase A LOT, "You're a good mom, because you're at home." Just because I'm home, doesn't mean that. This isn't universal. This isn't one size fits all. But tell me that I'm doing great, because of specifics. (I'm a woman, I need all the juicy details!)

My 'campaign' or 'project' doesn't come with a lot of people stopping me on the street saying, "Heck of a job you did! Thanks for raising your kids!" I have to wait a little longer, to find out the results of how good of a job I did. They aren't a television commercial, or building being constructed, where you see instant results. I'm in this for the long term pay off.

Right now, I have different successes. Unlimited hugs and kisses, words, and milestones. I get to be there for them. All of them. I've never missed a milestone because I was working. I know all their favorites. I know and speak their language. 

I also have the opportunity to help others more often. I get to volunteer. There is never a dull moment. I'm never stuck sitting at a desk for longer than I want to. (I still have bills and budgets to do.) We go for walks all the time. We learn. We have different types of challenges and dares every day. Travel is reserved for something special. I get to do lunches, they are rare, but usually reserved for picnics with my kids and someone willing to subject themselves to the mess of it all.

I'm doing MY job. I enjoy it. I love it. Some days are harder than others. I'm not saying this is for everyone, and I'm not saying anyone else, ever feels the way I do. This is just me.

I hope that some day, when I return to the job market (hopefully as a motivational speaker, or book writer), that when someone glances at my resume and sees that I've been volunteering and raising my children, they'll give me a chance. 

They'll understand the worth and the values I have and uphold, to take on such a large project, for no money, and to see it through. Whole heart and soul. They'll understand the sacrifice of nights, weekends, and holidays. They'll understand the sheer discipline needed to make it through. They'll know I'm tough and determined. They'll know they can count on me. That I can do it. Because, right now, I AM doing it!

To live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.

Titus 2:5

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Marriage: Our House Fire

The past few years have been difficult for me and my husband.  Moving, meeting new people, lots of changes-good and bad.  Creating a family. This is all tough. So tough, no one likes to talk about it.

When you get married, you dream about your life together and how wonderful it will be to have your best friend with you through it all.  You have arguments and little tiffs here and there, but you think that's about as bad as it'll get.  You think, and probably say often, no matter what, we'll have each other.  

As I write this, I'm smirking.  I wish little 'tiffs' were the worst of it. Wouldn't we all be so lucky?

I've noticed little patterns in life.  Perhaps you have too.  It usually all starts around college or early twenties.  People start to pair up.  Engagements get announced slowly in your circle of friends and family.  Then it's followed by wedding, after wedding after wedding.  

Then, the other big announcements start.  "We're expecting!"  Again, the same pattern starts to emerge. One after one, friends and family start having children.  Some couples have one, some two, some three, and some are hoping for a basketball team. (These people are amazing to me!)

It seems that right around this time, we start to hear the other big, surprise announcements.  "We're separating......," and then sometimes, more often then not, "We're getting a divorce."

When I was younger (because this pattern isn't new, it's been around for decades), I used to think these people fell out of love with each other, or they weren't sole mates.  Perfect couples (always on the outward appearances only) separating because they fell out of love. This breaks my heart. 

I've never been divorced, but I can easily see how it can happen.  My husband and I feel victim to THE ROUTINE.

When you have a newborn for the first time, or the fifth, routine is strongly encouraged.  We had one with both our kids and still do today. Studies show that routines make infants/babies and children feel safe.  They know what to expect, this calms them and puts them at ease.  I know it makes me feel the same way.  Every night, at bath time, I feel a sense of relief.  I have made it through another day, everyone has, and we're all still alive. 

But, in our marriage, we fell victim to it.

During my pregnancies, we became so focused on kids.  After the first two, we were focused on the, "Are we going to have more and when?"  This seemed like a 100-pound weight we'd carry around.  A lot of times, grudgingly. 

We stopped talking about "us," we stopped dating, stopping doing things together, stopped talking almost all together. Our world centered around our kids. We fought, A LOT!  Mostly about not spending time with each other and how neither one of us could understand what the other was going through.  

I would get angry and hang on to everything until I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I would Anger Vomit (Spew all the negative things from my mouth) all over him. He would hold everything in and just never talk about it. He, more often than not, would just leave.  Arguing isn't really his style-he hates yelling.  Our communication skills had dropped to below zero.

So there we were.  Three years of a life of this.  We co-existed in our routine.  We never really wanted to address the big issues, the issues that drew us into fighting.  The issues of us.  As long as the boat wasn't really rocking, we both just seemed comfortable being, well, roommates with children.

Get up in the morning, breakfast, kids, snack, work, lunch time, naps, play time, make dinner, come home from work, work out (maybe), bath time, and finally bed time for everyone.  Weekends were a nightmare.  But this was our life, for three years.

I don't have the personality or belief, to get a divorce. Plus, I still loved my husband. Dearly. Honestly, it's because I am so stubborn about not getting divorced, that I decided to reach out. I reached out to friends. Quietly. I went in search of dear friends who knew, or had seen things between us, that wanted to help.

I mean, when you've gone this long and this far, WHERE DO YOU START?  How do you break free of the ROUTINE? 

We started with a book.  What a magical, wonderful book it was! This should be given to everyone around their third or fourth year of marriage. It's called The Love Dare. If you know ANYONE struggling, get them this book! I have loaned it out a couple of times now. We loved it. It was our first step.  We also bought the movie, Fireproof. It's based on The Love Dare book.  If you can get through the cheesiness of it, the point of the whole thing is amazing. It is honest. It is good.

Forty Days of Dares. Most of these are so easy, that it is hard to believe that you didn't think of them yourself. There are also some that are challenging, but worth doing. Marriage is a marathon. It's these little workouts, over the course of a few weeks, that help re-trained us into being a couple again.

We started to talk to one another. We started to ask questions. We started learning. We started dating. Starting setting alone time just for us. We fell in love all over again, and this time it was an even deeper love. The last year and half have been a lot of work to gain back what we've lost.  But this has been so rewarding. 

We love our family, no question, but when our children are all grown and gone, we want to be able to still be together.  I've heard statistics that the fastest growing age of people getting divorced are people in their late 40's and 50's. Couples who raise their children together, and then go their separate ways.

We are starting to really have fun together. This is so important, not just for our marriage, but our children. We want to show them what a good, strong marriage can look like. How to love their spouses. How to make marriage work. Marriage may not be easy, but what in life is supposed to?

I look back now and I am so thankful for where we are.  I am thankful that I can fully appreciate my husband for who he is and what he does for us. I am thankful for my marriage. I am thankful for my family. 

Everyone has a fire at their home, but depending on how they react to it, determines if it means a total loss, or just a little singe.


Our little singe has reminded us of what is truly important in our short lives. Love. More importantly, OUR LOVE.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:8

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Dark Days...

If there was one thing that I could do for the younger version of myself, this generation, and definitely my children it would be this:  I want to emotionally prepare them for what will hit them in life.

I'm a person who has recovered from The Dark Days...                                             (Let me explain...)

I had HUGE dreams!  HUGE!  (Everyone does, dreaming big is encouraged at a young age!)  I was going to go to college, join a sorority, have an amazing career doing public relations, learn another language, live abroad, marry someone with an accent, or a fraternity brother-but NOT before I was 30. Children weren't an option, I chose in my early twenties that I wasn't going to have any. I was going to live the dream life. Reading this now, it actually makes me laugh-look at how selfish I was. Thank goodness for laughter!

NONE of this happened the way I had planned. 

I did move away from home.
I did study public relations and graduated with a bachelor's degree.
I did travel abroad, alone at various times in my life.  
I did have a few jobs in my field. 
I can speak some Spanish, some.  
I did marry someone, but at the age of 22.  
I did have children-two of them. (This last part still surprises a lot of people in my family--and I think they still laugh once in awhile knowing how ADAMANT I was about NEVER having them.  Well played guys, well played.)
I am not selfish.  (My husband says that I am the least selfish person he's ever met, thanks sweetie!)

Honestly, when you make a list of all the things you have done, it looks pretty wonderful. Doesn't everything look better on paper?This makes me sad to see how wonderfully blessed I have been, and how terribly lost I was at these times to not have enjoyed them.  



This is what I'm talking about.  I wish I could go back ten years earlier, to this young girl and prepare her emotionally for what she was about to go through. Ten years is an extremely long time to fight a raging war within your mind--especially when you're the only fighter and you're the only victim.

Moving straight out of high school was great!  Best decision I've ever done and I've never regretted it or looked back.

School, well, I never got the chance to go to school that had a sorority. I balanced full time work and full time school. My senior year, I was given a cross country scholarship.  My one and only year I ran.  One of the best blessings I've ever received.  Amazing times and amazing young women.  

My husband and I were engaged when we finished school, and we agreed that we would go where ever his job took him.  I understood that he would make more money than I would.  I also knew, he hated city life.  This was the first big sacrifice I made out of love.  My dreams of a career.

We lived in strange places and moved often.  There weren't a lot of "career" opportunities in smaller towns.  I was still determined.  I had some experience, but mostly, I had a drive.  I knew all I needed was a break, but it never came.  Going through interview after interview, after rejection letter after rejection letter, pretty much got the better of me.  It had been well over a year and no one wanted to take me on.  This was absolutely crushing.  Devastating to your self esteem.  "What was wrong with me?  I just wasn't good enough."

Found this card at Target-this summed me up.

Wedding plans were a joke.  That is another sore subject.  I never had one.  I will leave all the specifics of why until another time, but basically, again, I sacrificed for love.  The second biggest one.

I had no friends that understood, and because I was spiraling down ward I was HATEFUL, to almost everyone.  I would cry a lot.  I wish, I would have had a friend or someone close by to see what was going on with me.  To grab me and tell me it was going to be OK.  To help guide me in a positive direction.  

When I talked about being trapped inside myself, this is what an example would be.  Someone close to you announces they're getting married.  Instead of being happy for them, you pretty much want them to drown with you in  your nastiness. No matter what.  After you've said and done what you have, the inner you-the normal you-is so upset at what you've done. You couldn't stop You. You're slowly drowning in a glass case of emotion (OK, I kind of stole this from the movie Anchorman, but it works).

I finally sought help after my husband just couldn't take it anymore.  Poor guy, who could blame him?  It's not easy being with someone so hateful.  I was, I really, really was.

Our final, most current move, lead us to news that I was pregnant.  We were so confused and rushed.  When we finally got situated, I found out at 13 weeks, the baby had died. 

There were a lot of encouraging words that go out when this happens.  Tears too.  Shockingly, there are also negative.  The cruelest thing I've ever heard, during my loss, was this statement. "Well, it was bound to happen.  Statistically, because of how many people I know that are pregnant, it was going to happen to someone."

I'll just move on.  But know, that these words cut deep down to a place I didn't even know existed.

Things were tepid-recovering from such a crazy depression and then this huge loss, was hard.  Step by step things moved forward. Six months later we were pregnant again--at the same time I'd finally gotten a job in my field.  

Since you know I'm a stay at home mom, this part shouldn't surprise you-I opted to raise my children, myself. Another sacrifice, my worldly ambitions for them.  For love.

Children are a gift unto their own.  They provide you with a mirror to see who you truly are, if you pay attention.  Know all those times they repeat your phrases??  They're you.  Know when they do something, like fold the laundry, the same way you do it?  They're you.  Little mirrors, with hearts, smiles and voice recording!

Going through these tough years and experiences has given me a lot to look forward to, and so much to be thankful for.  But, it's also created in me a fear and desire to help others.  During the past year, I've found giving to be the most healing.

Giving to others who need it more.  Giving time, a shoulder, money, food, clothes, a place to stay, an ear, anything that I can.  Even if it never comes back, I want to give. I want to be the positive I looked for, and I want to be an example-a model.

I see my children, and others, and know it's my job to do this for them.  To show them their blessings, and to teach them how to deal with life and disappointments.  The heartache and pain.  The good with the bad.  To encourage them to help others, because no matter how bad things may be for them-someone else out there is worse off.  To be the positive they need, when they can't do it for themselves. I want them to love and be loved.  I want them to give.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Psalms 119:105

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