Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Dark Days...

If there was one thing that I could do for the younger version of myself, this generation, and definitely my children it would be this:  I want to emotionally prepare them for what will hit them in life.

I'm a person who has recovered from The Dark Days...                                             (Let me explain...)

I had HUGE dreams!  HUGE!  (Everyone does, dreaming big is encouraged at a young age!)  I was going to go to college, join a sorority, have an amazing career doing public relations, learn another language, live abroad, marry someone with an accent, or a fraternity brother-but NOT before I was 30. Children weren't an option, I chose in my early twenties that I wasn't going to have any. I was going to live the dream life. Reading this now, it actually makes me laugh-look at how selfish I was. Thank goodness for laughter!

NONE of this happened the way I had planned. 

I did move away from home.
I did study public relations and graduated with a bachelor's degree.
I did travel abroad, alone at various times in my life.  
I did have a few jobs in my field. 
I can speak some Spanish, some.  
I did marry someone, but at the age of 22.  
I did have children-two of them. (This last part still surprises a lot of people in my family--and I think they still laugh once in awhile knowing how ADAMANT I was about NEVER having them.  Well played guys, well played.)
I am not selfish.  (My husband says that I am the least selfish person he's ever met, thanks sweetie!)

Honestly, when you make a list of all the things you have done, it looks pretty wonderful. Doesn't everything look better on paper?This makes me sad to see how wonderfully blessed I have been, and how terribly lost I was at these times to not have enjoyed them.  

This is what I'm talking about.  I wish I could go back ten years earlier, to this young girl and prepare her emotionally for what she was about to go through. Ten years is an extremely long time to fight a raging war within your mind--especially when you're the only fighter and you're the only victim.

Moving straight out of high school was great!  Best decision I've ever done and I've never regretted it or looked back.

School, well, I never got the chance to go to school that had a sorority. I balanced full time work and full time school. My senior year, I was given a cross country scholarship.  My one and only year I ran.  One of the best blessings I've ever received.  Amazing times and amazing young women.  

My husband and I were engaged when we finished school, and we agreed that we would go where ever his job took him.  I understood that he would make more money than I would.  I also knew, he hated city life.  This was the first big sacrifice I made out of love.  My dreams of a career.

We lived in strange places and moved often.  There weren't a lot of "career" opportunities in smaller towns.  I was still determined.  I had some experience, but mostly, I had a drive.  I knew all I needed was a break, but it never came.  Going through interview after interview, after rejection letter after rejection letter, pretty much got the better of me.  It had been well over a year and no one wanted to take me on.  This was absolutely crushing.  Devastating to your self esteem.  "What was wrong with me?  I just wasn't good enough."
Found this card at Target-this summed me up.

Wedding plans were a joke.  That is another sore subject.  I never had one.  I will leave all the specifics of why until another time, but basically, again, I sacrificed for love.  The second biggest one.

I had no friends that understood, and because I was spiraling down ward I was HATEFUL, to almost everyone.  I would cry a lot.  I wish, I would have had a friend or someone close by to see what was going on with me.  To grab me and tell me it was going to be OK.  To help guide me in a positive direction.  

When I talked about being trapped inside myself, this is what an example would be.  Someone close to you announces they're getting married.  Instead of being happy for them, you pretty much want them to drown with you in  your nastiness. No matter what.  After you've said and done what you have, the inner you-the normal you-is so upset at what you've done. You couldn't stop You. You're slowly drowning in a glass case of emotion (OK, I kind of stole this from the movie Anchorman, but it works).

I finally sought help after my husband just couldn't take it anymore.  Poor guy, who could blame him?  It's not easy being with someone so hateful.  I was, I really, really was.

Our final, most current move, lead us to news that I was pregnant.  We were so confused and rushed.  When we finally got situated, I found out at 13 weeks, the baby had died. 

There were a lot of encouraging words that go out when this happens.  Tears too.  Shockingly, there are also negative.  The cruelest thing I've ever heard, during my loss, was this statement. "Well, it was bound to happen.  Statistically, because of how many people I know that are pregnant, it was going to happen to someone."

I'll just move on.  But know, that these words cut deep down to a place I didn't even know existed.

Things were tepid-recovering from such a crazy depression and then this huge loss, was hard.  Step by step things moved forward. Six months later we were pregnant again--at the same time I'd finally gotten a job in my field.  

Since you know I'm a stay at home mom, this part shouldn't surprise you-I opted to raise my children, myself. Another sacrifice, my worldly ambitions for them.  For love.

Children are a gift unto their own.  They provide you with a mirror to see who you truly are, if you pay attention.  Know all those times they repeat your phrases??  They're you.  Know when they do something, like fold the laundry, the same way you do it?  They're you.  Little mirrors, with hearts, smiles and voice recording!

Going through these tough years and experiences has given me a lot to look forward to, and so much to be thankful for.  But, it's also created in me a fear and desire to help others.  During the past year, I've found giving to be the most healing.

Giving to others who need it more.  Giving time, a shoulder, money, food, clothes, a place to stay, an ear, anything that I can.  Even if it never comes back, I want to give. I want to be the positive I looked for, and I want to be an example-a model.

I see my children, and others, and know it's my job to do this for them.  To show them their blessings, and to teach them how to deal with life and disappointments.  The heartache and pain.  The good with the bad.  To encourage them to help others, because no matter how bad things may be for them-someone else out there is worse off.  To be the positive they need, when they can't do it for themselves. I want them to love and be loved.  I want them to give.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Psalms 119:105

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